Oh, Donald Trump, you golden-haired chaos agent, what have you done now? Just when we thought your economic playbook couldn’t get any dumber than slapping “Made in ‘Merica” on everything and calling it a win, here comes Bill Ackman—hedge fund hotshot and occasional Trump cheerleader—ready to rain on your tariff parade. In a glorious twist of irony, the billionaire who once sang your praises is now clutching his pearls, warning that your latest tariff obsession is about to tank the economy faster than you can say “Art of the Deal.”
Ackman took to X—because where else do rich guys air their grievances these days?—and dropped a bombshell that’s got the MAGA crowd sweating through their red hats. “Business investment will grind to a halt, (and) consumers will close their wallets,” he tweeted, painting a picture of a tariff-triggered apocalypse that even the most die-hard Trump stan can’t ignore. And why? Because your grand plan to slap new levies on anything that dares cross the border might just turn the U.S. into an economic pariah. “We will severely damage our reputation with the rest of the world that will take years and potentially decades to rehabilitate,” Ackman added, basically saying, “Donald, you’re about to make us the kid no one wants to trade Pokémon cards with.”
Let’s break this down for the folks still chanting “Tariffs = Jobs!” at the back of the rally. Ackman’s not wrong—businesses don’t exactly love sinking billions into a country that’s playing economic Russian roulette. CEOs aren’t sitting around boardrooms thinking, “You know what sounds fun? Committing to a massive factory build while Trump’s out here starting a trade war with everyone from Canada to China.” And consumers? They’re not going to be thrilled when their Walmart cart suddenly costs double because you decided to “protect” them from cheap foreign socks. Close their wallets? Hell, they’ll weld them shut.
Ackman’s solution? A 90-day pause on this tariff madness. A timeout, if you will, so the grown-ups can figure out how to stop the bleeding before your “winning” strategy turns into an “economic nuclear winter”—his words, not mine, but damn if they don’t hit the mark. It’s almost cute how he thinks you’ll listen, though. You, the guy who once bragged about never reading books, taking advice from a Wall Street brainiac? Pass the popcorn.
Here’s the kicker: Ackman’s not some bleeding-heart liberal trying to sabotage your legacy. This is a guy who’s been in your corner before, riding the Trump train when it suited him. So when *he’s* jumping ship, you know the water’s getting choppy. Maybe it’s time to admit that tariffs aren’t the magic wand you think they are, Don. They’re not going to bring back the Rust Belt or make America the king of steel again—they’re just going to jack up prices, piss off our allies, and leave us holding the bag when the rest of the world decides they’d rather trade with someone less unhinged.
But sure, keep tweeting about how you’re the greatest negotiator since sliced bread. Meanwhile, Ackman’s over here sounding the alarm while your base cheers for a policy that’s about to hit them square in the bank account. A 90-day pause might not fix everything, but it’s a start—unless, of course, you’re too busy golfing at Mar-a-Lago to notice the economy’s about to do a faceplant. Your move, Tariff Man. Don’t screw it up worse than you already have.